Amandaklf's Weblog

C’mon

amandaklf — Sat, 14 May 2011 15:05:09 +0000

It’s getting late and I

can’t seem to find

my way home tonight.

Feels like I am falling down a rabbit hole,

falling for forever,

wonderfully wandering alone.

I feel so fucking awful right now. I’m having one of those days where I just wish you would just get the fuck out of my life. I don’t hate you, but I wish you’d grow a brain and stop thinking about yourself every ten seconds. I wish you would think about other people and the fact that they have feelings. I don’t think you ever realize that you sometimes hurt a lot of people’s feelings and crush self-esteem, in one of your moments of grouchiness. And I know I should excuse you, you don’t know any better, but I sometimes feel like you’ve had more than enough years to grow up and learn a thing or two about the people around you.

I don’t actually feel like I’m being oversensitive. I feel like you just lack tact and maybe you’re right and I need to learn how to accept my flaws being pointed out, with grace and humility. But I think you need to learn that sometimes, there is a right time and a right way to say things. You cannot simply say things just because you feel like it, because they just don’t get through to people if you explode about senselessly.

I know you think I’m flawed and screwed up. But I really think that you need to grow up as well, and being organized and consistent, doesn’t always make you mature and the perfect role model for me. I’m sorry if this isn’t something I should be thinking, but I do think that you need to give me space and just let me be a sixteen year old.

So please, for God’s sake,

Fuck off now (and close the door behind you)

Fat, Fat And More Fat

amandaklf — Sat, 14 May 2011 14:48:24 +0000

I am fat. Nope, I’m more than fat. I’m pretty much nothing more than a walking lump of lard.
Except that lumps of lard can be used for cooking. I, on the other hand, am useless. I am fat and useless. I can’t do anything other than get fucking basic grades and I am below acceptable intellect. There’s no point telling myself that I have potential that I haven’t reached because that is a lie. I know it is a lie. If there was untapped potential it would already be showing and I wouldn’t be anywhere near the failure I am now.
That brings me to my next point, I am a failure. Not only am I fat and unable to contribute to anything significantly, I am also a failure. I don’t just sit around and be useless, I sometimes try to break out of my uselessness. But because I am a failure, I am simply unable to break out of this habit. I fall back into a pattern of low-selfesteem and stupidity and I simply cannot do anything right.
I will never achieve anything. I will never be anything more than a fat lump of lard sitting at home, being useless.
Nothing more to be said, thank you and goodnight.

When Life Gives Me, Lemons I Make Lemonade!

amandaklf — Fri, 06 May 2011 14:14:00 +0000

Here is a picture of Emma Stone to brighten up this post. I like her, she gives off confident vibes. (:

Lately, I’ve been feeling like my life is pretty much a mess in most aspects. It’s definitely time to read the Christian book I got. I know, I’m not meant to be in control of everything. I know, I should just take things as they come. However, I think that I’m starting to stumble around blindly. I’m getting quite lost and confused and I need to find some sort of long term goal to work for.

So here are things I think should be sorted out:

1. Judging.
I think I judge people WAY too often and it kind of gets in the way of how I perceive them. I have a tendency to judge people, and I think it’s getting in the way of how I behave around people and treat them. Since, it’s pretty much impossible to know people completely, I should just be more receptive to what people say. Anyway, judging only leads to me being unhappy somehow, because I end up getting frustrated at them one way or the other. It would make more sense if I just listened to people without forming opinions of them and trying to fit them into some idea I have they are.

2. Self-Consciousness
I think I can be way to self-conscious. But somehow when I try not to care about people, I end up shutting them away and distancing myself too much. I guess it doesn’t make any sense to shut myself from people completely. I think I do need to protect certain things about me (like all the weird thoughts I put here), and I need to stop caring what people see me as. But at the same time, I need to be brave enough to keep facing people.
I definitely should try to be nicer to people. I should be more present for my friends and I kind of need to put myself out there. I need to learn how to protect myself while still being brave and not hiding entirely.

3. Humility.
Don’t think less of yourself, think of yourself less. Enough said.

I guess that’s pretty much what I need to say. I still don’t feel entirely convinced of what I wrote but I need to just keep going at it, even when the thoughts of my head are a bit foggy.

I think I might delete my blog.

Killer Instinct!

amandaklf — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 18:09:00 +0000

I was told today to stop second guessing myself. Apparently I’m just as insecure as everyone else, only more hesitant.
I need to be RUTHLESS, not in a cruel sense but in a taking charge, saying-things-as-they-are way. It’s not really about being confident but about being brave and not caring what people think!
Also, it is time to replace the frown (which doesn’t mean anything) with a smile?
/: oh wait… (:

okay, never mind, this is a bit mad but i just need a reminder so i’m sticking this here, along with a random dog picture. ♥

Little By Little, Inch By Inch

amandaklf — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 12:07:00 +0000

Little by little
Inch by inch
We built a yard with a garden in the middle of it
It ain’t much
But it’s a start
You got me swaying right along
To the song in your heart
- A Face To Call Home, John Mayer

Trigger

amandaklf — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 22:17:00 +0000

Before you judge, understand because talk is cheap

Saw that on an old school/classmate’s formspring as a reply to someone.
  I just went through a rather insecure week and I am going to purge my mental thoughts out now.
  I know I need to stop caring what people think and just focus on the people around me, who I can trust.However, I can’t help noticing that number has dwindled over time, because lately I feel like a lot of the people I know are either drifting or have already drifted. I feel like I can’t trust them to be there for me when I need them, so I pretty much just decided to let them head to whether they need to be.
But it certainly did suck when I heard someone from sec one, mutter something about me from behind. I’m really not that deaf and even if I’m a socially awkward goon, it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings and I did feel unhappy.
  But I don’t think that was really half as bad as getting that sinking feeling in your stomach that a whole group of people, some of which were supposed to be your friends, talking about you as you walked past. I wasn’t close to any of them, okay friends at the most with one or two, but it felt horrible and then for what felt like the longest while, I kind of doubted whether or not, anyone really liked me. I always knew that I was weird and odd, but I thought it was an out of sight, out of mind thing. I was 100% certain I was invisible, and forgettable, and I was content with that.
  Because I never want to be someone who people tut at secretly, or someone who people take as a joke and a loser. And even though, popularity is the last thing I want and I know people at this age say dumb things, it feels awful when you’re at the butt of it.
  So anyway, after the incident, I started to wonder if I was that punching bag that people sniggered at secretly. Then I got into the panic attack a bit later, and I was pretty blue for a few days.

I’m still blue now. Because even though I never trusted these people completely, it still hurt like hell. But at the end of the day, what they might have said doesn’t matter. I have the people I can trust and it doesn’t matter if I can count them on one hand. I know who’s there for me, and who loves me and I’m just going to do my best to stop judging other people and love who I have with me.

Stuck In A Slump

amandaklf — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 15:03:00 +0000

i’m going to start lorms soon. my room looks like a hurricane hit it and i should really clean it too! i’m feeling a little bleh, because school is starting soon. ):
I need to regain control of my life and somehow learn to give things up to God.

Clean White Love

amandaklf — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 13:59:00 +0000

I’m trying my best to make this falling apart process as neat as possible. If people are always either "in repair" or breaking down, then I think I’m breaking down a bit. I know I’ll feel better/happier again in a matter of a couple of days probably but I feel like I’ve been a total mess yesterday and today. I need to be more productive and organised, but at the same time, there’s this feeling where I just want to lose myself completely and just forget. I know that’s wrong and I’ll regret all the cleaning up I will have to do if I let myself go utterly out of control.

In this nervous disease
There’s a cure I need
Let the medecine get to the bone
- Clean White Love, Lisa Mitchell

Dinner

amandaklf — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 18:16:00 +0000

You said if you don’t let it out
You’re gonna let it eat you away
I’d rather be a cannibal, baby
Animals like me don’t talk anyway
- The Calender, Panic! At The Disco

I’m quite wiped out but I do need to study lit and chem. I had a panic attack, which was my third ever. I think while I somehow gained more self-confidence through it, because I somehow learned that people don’t always know everything about you, and you are putting in your best effort so it’s not really anyone’s right to judge.
I’m not going to talk about the trigger for it, but I should get back to work.

I Came Along, I Wrote A Song (For You)

amandaklf — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 23:16:00 +0000

I learnt how to play yellow by coldplay without a capo on the guitar, to practice my barre chords. i really think they sound quite clear but i need to practice. i also really really need to work on my rhythm.
anyway, I wanted to write another angry post about stuff when I suddenly decided being bitchy about bitchy people makes you the same as them, and blind for not seeing it.
So I’ll just let it ago and let it slide. anyway, i’m happy that i think i’m improving a bit at guitar. i learnt the pentatonic scale and i’m trying to practice it and get it smooth. i’m also trying to learn a few songs with different rhythms. i think i’m getting smoother slowly, so i’m secretly hoping that brings me one step closer to being a eric-johnson-type-guitarist.
probably not though, i don’t think i’ll ever hear music like that in my head but i at least aim to leave the noob zone one day and master this thing.